By Kami Haguewood
As I write this piece, I am in full understanding that many of you may feel like an article
on parenting is not for you. Perhaps you are single, have not had children yet, or have
raised your children and are enjoying a season of rest from parenting. I submit to you
that Biblical wisdom on parenting is not only for those engaged in the present battle
but for all believers engaged in the war for the heart and minds of our future
generations. Thus the subject of this month’s article. Please be patient as we wade
through the idea of gentle parenting and the Biblical, spiritual implications that it
presents.
To be completely transparent, Jamie and I have 4 children who are out of the home
and one fifteen year old still at home, so most of our active years of training and
disciplining are behind us. But as I write those words, I acknowledge that at the
moment we have 8 grandchildren who will be affected by the way we process
discipline and guidance to their lives as well. In a way, the weight of grandchildren can
be an even heavier task to undertake, understanding that we are in the stands
encouraging and cheering, while actually leaving the hands-on discipleship to the ones
we invested in ourselves. We stand waiting for when they ask for help, or they need
encouragement or wisdom.
The task at hand today is to think through the idea of which is becoming a very popular
philosophical path for leading our children called “gentle parenting.” This sounds
great, doesn’t it? How many of us who had to go pick our own switches (aka, selecting
your own rod of correction from the local peach tree) look at these words and think,
“Wow! That would have been nice to have around 40 years ago”! Yet if we look at this
philosophy through the eyes of scripture, I think most of us would agree that it does
not sound great, but alarming.
Defining the audience of this article, I am going to assume this audience believes the
Bible is the Spirit of God inspired, inerrant, and sufficient Word of God. I am
addressing this article to professing Christians who desire to equip and encourage the
building of God’s Kingdom, and who believe that all of life flows from the Word of
God.
The Definition of Gentle Parenting
The idea of gentle parenting is a desire to avoid harshness and cruelty. It is a
recognition that children are people with dignity, not projects or inconvenience. There
is an emphasis on relationship and connection instead of being present with your
children. These ideas are all very good goals of parenting. But even as we agree with
these general statements, we must look deeper at the roots of gentle parenting. We
must expose what is antithetical to Scripture.
Gentle Parenting Redefines Biblical Authority
The first rebuttal to uncover in this journey is that gentle parenting redefines Biblical
authority. The theme of gentle parenting is that parents and children should be more
like partners in the child-rearing season. Children are to be given choices instead of
direction in what they are to do with their behavior. It is commendable to teach
children how to manage their emotions, but the end reasoning is off. The aim of
gentle parenting is the child’s self-fulfillment instead of Biblically acknowledging the
lines of authority that the Bible has laid out for children and parents. “Gentle parenting
is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment. It is centered on
partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style. Gentle
parenting is as it sounds; it is a softer, gentler approach to parenting, and parents and
caregivers that practice gentle parenting do so by guiding their children with
consistent, compassionate boundaries—not a firm hand.” (Kimberly Zapata,
parents.com)
The Bible views parenting “as a stewardship from God to wield the authority given to
the parents for the spiritual good and growth of the child towards Christ.” (The Not So
Loving Side of Gentle Parenting, Miller).
Colossians 3:20 says it so very clearly, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for
this pleases the Lord.” For someone to be encouraged to obey, there assumes another
one is in leadership, not in collaboration. To remove a parent’s authority and make
them a partner to the child is to deny the order which God created and ordained for
human good and flourishing.
Gentle Parenting Denies the Depravity of Man
The second rebuttal is that gentle parenting has a misidentification of the root
problem. It does away with the theological belief of the depravity of man. Christianity
and the philosophy of gentle parenting have different worldviews concerning the root
issue of the problems of human beings. Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a gentle parenting
advocate, says, “Children are born innocent. They only ‘misbehave’ when their needs
are not being met.” This statement denies the biblical doctrine of sin. Scripture says
children are not only image bearers but also sinners in need of correction and thegospel.
Psalm 58:3 says, “The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray
from birth, speaking lies.” Romans 5:12 proclaims, “… sin came into the world through
one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all
sinned…”. Proverbs 22:15 states, “Folly is found up in the heart of a child, but the rod
of discipline drives it far from him.” Romans 3:23 emphasizes, “For ALL have sinned
and fall short of the glory of God.” Martyn Lloyd Jones understanding the difference
between the psychology of his time and the doctrine of Scriptures, he writes, “We saw
that, of course, in the last chapter when we were considering some of the biblical terms
and definitions with regard to sin. Modern psychologists do not like this. They say that
what we call sin is merely the absence of certain qualities. You must not say man is
positively bad; what you mean is that he is not good; sin is negative. But the Bible says
that sin is positive. It is not the absence of goodness; it is the positive presence of evil
and badness.” As a culture, we have walked even farther down this road in the last few
decades of seeing sin as a gray mushy unknown, whether than the black and white-
ness Scripture portrays.
Gentle Parenting Misguides Life’s Purpose
The third rebuttal to review is the idea that gentle parenting teaches children the
wrong way to view the question of “why are we here?” Their answer would be, “to
help your children be happier, healthier, and more fully themselves.” As believers, we
would answer that eternal question in the same form as the Westminster Shorter
Catechism which states, “to glorify God and enjoy him forever.” We read in I
Corinthians 10:31, “whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all for the glory of
God.” The aim of the Christian should be to glorify God in all of life. Biblical parenting
teaches children they exist by God, for God, and to God (Romans 11:33). Gentle
parenting would encourage children that they exist to enjoy themselves, to magnify
themselves, and to be fulfilled in themselves. Self-actualization, fulfillment, and esteem
are their goals. In fact, we can see that they are actually making Adam’s sin the aim of
life.
Gentle Parenting Rejects Biblical Discipline
The final rebuttal to gentle parenting is their view of consequences. Hebrews 12:6
says, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he
receives.” 2 Samuel 7:14-15 encourages, “I will be to him a father, and he shall be to
me a son. When he commits inquiry, I will discipline him with the rod of men, with the
stripes of the sons of men, but my steadfast love will not depart from him.” Once
again, Sarah Ockwell-Smith has an antithetical opinion to Christianity concerning
consequences. She states, “Punishment is never acceptable. Consequences should
be natural, never imposed.” We can agree that natural consequences have a place,but Scripture clearly shows that parents are called to actively train and discipline their
children. Love requires correction, not passivity.
A Gospel Alternative
There is a gospel alternative to the gentle parenting movement. The heart of
parenting is not about following the newest trend but about being faithful to God’s
design. The cross shows both justice and mercy, and sin has real consequences
(death). Jesus bore them for us. Because of the gospel, we parent not out of fear or
control but out of grace and truth. We can teach our children both mercy and justice
consequences for sin but also forgiveness and reconciliation through Christ. Romans
6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ
Jesus our Lord”. Proverbs 3:12 encourages, “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, as
a father the son in whom he delights?”
The gospel shapes parenting by teaching that discipline highlights the seriousness
of sin and the cost of disobedience while also pointing to Jesus who paid the
ultimate price for sin on the cross. Mercy models grace in our parenting when there
is forgiveness after discipline. This displays the mercy of God who forgives. Parental
authority reflects God’s authority . When parents lovingly exercise authority, it teaches
children to trust and obey God’s good authority. Lastly, weakness magnifies Christ. No
one will parent perfectly, but failures are a reminder that we all need the grace of Jesus
daily.
Parenting is a heavy topic. Especially when the pendulum swings too far and we find
ourselves discussing ideas such as gentle parenting. There is a good chance you have
experienced parenting that should have been more “gentle”. The prism through which
we view parenting will often be guided by how we were disciplined. We can embrace
the same system, whether Biblical or worldly, or we can rebel against the system our
parents used, considering it outdated and unjust. But a word of encouragement here
is to embrace God’s Word and bring biblical principles and authority back into the
discipline discussion.
Practical Encouragement
I will finish with these thoughts of a few practical tips of encouragement for parents or
anyone mentoring parents during turbulent days:
Discipline is not about control, but discipleship.
Authority is not about power, but pointing to God’s authority.
Disciplinary consequences are not about retribution, but pointing to the gospel.
Use every day failures of your own and your children as opportunities to point to Jesus.You will fail your children at times, but failure becomes an opportunity to show them
their need for grace and yours.
The ultimate goal is not to get your children to conform to the standard, but to get
them to love the standard.
“Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give
up.”
(Galatians 6:9)
As I write this piece, I am in full understanding that many of you may feel like an article
on parenting is not for you. Perhaps you are single, have not had children yet, or have
raised your children and are enjoying a season of rest from parenting. I submit to you
that Biblical wisdom on parenting is not only for those engaged in the present battle
but for all believers engaged in the war for the heart and minds of our future
generations. Thus the subject of this month’s article. Please be patient as we wade
through the idea of gentle parenting and the Biblical, spiritual implications that it
presents.
To be completely transparent, Jamie and I have 4 children who are out of the home
and one fifteen year old still at home, so most of our active years of training and
disciplining are behind us. But as I write those words, I acknowledge that at the
moment we have 8 grandchildren who will be affected by the way we process
discipline and guidance to their lives as well. In a way, the weight of grandchildren can
be an even heavier task to undertake, understanding that we are in the stands
encouraging and cheering, while actually leaving the hands-on discipleship to the ones
we invested in ourselves. We stand waiting for when they ask for help, or they need
encouragement or wisdom.
The task at hand today is to think through the idea of which is becoming a very popular
philosophical path for leading our children called “gentle parenting.” This sounds
great, doesn’t it? How many of us who had to go pick our own switches (aka, selecting
your own rod of correction from the local peach tree) look at these words and think,
“Wow! That would have been nice to have around 40 years ago”! Yet if we look at this
philosophy through the eyes of scripture, I think most of us would agree that it does
not sound great, but alarming.
Defining the audience of this article, I am going to assume this audience believes the
Bible is the Spirit of God inspired, inerrant, and sufficient Word of God. I am
addressing this article to professing Christians who desire to equip and encourage the
building of God’s Kingdom, and who believe that all of life flows from the Word of
God.
The Definition of Gentle Parenting
The idea of gentle parenting is a desire to avoid harshness and cruelty. It is a
recognition that children are people with dignity, not projects or inconvenience. There
is an emphasis on relationship and connection instead of being present with your
children. These ideas are all very good goals of parenting. But even as we agree with
these general statements, we must look deeper at the roots of gentle parenting. We
must expose what is antithetical to Scripture.
Gentle Parenting Redefines Biblical Authority
The first rebuttal to uncover in this journey is that gentle parenting redefines Biblical
authority. The theme of gentle parenting is that parents and children should be more
like partners in the child-rearing season. Children are to be given choices instead of
direction in what they are to do with their behavior. It is commendable to teach
children how to manage their emotions, but the end reasoning is off. The aim of
gentle parenting is the child’s self-fulfillment instead of Biblically acknowledging the
lines of authority that the Bible has laid out for children and parents. “Gentle parenting
is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment. It is centered on
partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style. Gentle
parenting is as it sounds; it is a softer, gentler approach to parenting, and parents and
caregivers that practice gentle parenting do so by guiding their children with
consistent, compassionate boundaries—not a firm hand.” (Kimberly Zapata,
parents.com)
The Bible views parenting “as a stewardship from God to wield the authority given to
the parents for the spiritual good and growth of the child towards Christ.” (The Not So
Loving Side of Gentle Parenting, Miller).
Colossians 3:20 says it so very clearly, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for
this pleases the Lord.” For someone to be encouraged to obey, there assumes another
one is in leadership, not in collaboration. To remove a parent’s authority and make
them a partner to the child is to deny the order which God created and ordained for
human good and flourishing.
Gentle Parenting Denies the Depravity of Man
The second rebuttal is that gentle parenting has a misidentification of the root
problem. It does away with the theological belief of the depravity of man. Christianity
and the philosophy of gentle parenting have different worldviews concerning the root
issue of the problems of human beings. Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a gentle parenting
advocate, says, “Children are born innocent. They only ‘misbehave’ when their needs
are not being met.” This statement denies the biblical doctrine of sin. Scripture says
children are not only image bearers but also sinners in need of correction and thegospel.
Psalm 58:3 says, “The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray
from birth, speaking lies.” Romans 5:12 proclaims, “… sin came into the world through
one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all
sinned…”. Proverbs 22:15 states, “Folly is found up in the heart of a child, but the rod
of discipline drives it far from him.” Romans 3:23 emphasizes, “For ALL have sinned
and fall short of the glory of God.” Martyn Lloyd Jones understanding the difference
between the psychology of his time and the doctrine of Scriptures, he writes, “We saw
that, of course, in the last chapter when we were considering some of the biblical terms
and definitions with regard to sin. Modern psychologists do not like this. They say that
what we call sin is merely the absence of certain qualities. You must not say man is
positively bad; what you mean is that he is not good; sin is negative. But the Bible says
that sin is positive. It is not the absence of goodness; it is the positive presence of evil
and badness.” As a culture, we have walked even farther down this road in the last few
decades of seeing sin as a gray mushy unknown, whether than the black and white-
ness Scripture portrays.
Gentle Parenting Misguides Life’s Purpose
The third rebuttal to review is the idea that gentle parenting teaches children the
wrong way to view the question of “why are we here?” Their answer would be, “to
help your children be happier, healthier, and more fully themselves.” As believers, we
would answer that eternal question in the same form as the Westminster Shorter
Catechism which states, “to glorify God and enjoy him forever.” We read in I
Corinthians 10:31, “whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all for the glory of
God.” The aim of the Christian should be to glorify God in all of life. Biblical parenting
teaches children they exist by God, for God, and to God (Romans 11:33). Gentle
parenting would encourage children that they exist to enjoy themselves, to magnify
themselves, and to be fulfilled in themselves. Self-actualization, fulfillment, and esteem
are their goals. In fact, we can see that they are actually making Adam’s sin the aim of
life.
Gentle Parenting Rejects Biblical Discipline
The final rebuttal to gentle parenting is their view of consequences. Hebrews 12:6
says, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he
receives.” 2 Samuel 7:14-15 encourages, “I will be to him a father, and he shall be to
me a son. When he commits inquiry, I will discipline him with the rod of men, with the
stripes of the sons of men, but my steadfast love will not depart from him.” Once
again, Sarah Ockwell-Smith has an antithetical opinion to Christianity concerning
consequences. She states, “Punishment is never acceptable. Consequences should
be natural, never imposed.” We can agree that natural consequences have a place,but Scripture clearly shows that parents are called to actively train and discipline their
children. Love requires correction, not passivity.
A Gospel Alternative
There is a gospel alternative to the gentle parenting movement. The heart of
parenting is not about following the newest trend but about being faithful to God’s
design. The cross shows both justice and mercy, and sin has real consequences
(death). Jesus bore them for us. Because of the gospel, we parent not out of fear or
control but out of grace and truth. We can teach our children both mercy and justice
consequences for sin but also forgiveness and reconciliation through Christ. Romans
6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ
Jesus our Lord”. Proverbs 3:12 encourages, “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, as
a father the son in whom he delights?”
The gospel shapes parenting by teaching that discipline highlights the seriousness
of sin and the cost of disobedience while also pointing to Jesus who paid the
ultimate price for sin on the cross. Mercy models grace in our parenting when there
is forgiveness after discipline. This displays the mercy of God who forgives. Parental
authority reflects God’s authority . When parents lovingly exercise authority, it teaches
children to trust and obey God’s good authority. Lastly, weakness magnifies Christ. No
one will parent perfectly, but failures are a reminder that we all need the grace of Jesus
daily.
Parenting is a heavy topic. Especially when the pendulum swings too far and we find
ourselves discussing ideas such as gentle parenting. There is a good chance you have
experienced parenting that should have been more “gentle”. The prism through which
we view parenting will often be guided by how we were disciplined. We can embrace
the same system, whether Biblical or worldly, or we can rebel against the system our
parents used, considering it outdated and unjust. But a word of encouragement here
is to embrace God’s Word and bring biblical principles and authority back into the
discipline discussion.
Practical Encouragement
I will finish with these thoughts of a few practical tips of encouragement for parents or
anyone mentoring parents during turbulent days:
Discipline is not about control, but discipleship.
Authority is not about power, but pointing to God’s authority.
Disciplinary consequences are not about retribution, but pointing to the gospel.
Use every day failures of your own and your children as opportunities to point to Jesus.You will fail your children at times, but failure becomes an opportunity to show them
their need for grace and yours.
The ultimate goal is not to get your children to conform to the standard, but to get
them to love the standard.
“Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give
up.”
(Galatians 6:9)
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